The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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