quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
jump out the window naked night went bad
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
