She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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