I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
