a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
