i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
