dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
