If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We were destined to go to rehab together
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
