The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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