Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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