hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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