Don't make out with my wife yet
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
i now understand why vodka
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize