Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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