Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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