if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
