my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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