did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
