he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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