Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
