the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
