Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just high enough for therapy.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
