I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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