Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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