Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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