Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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