Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
