I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
