I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
