Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
