this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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