I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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