i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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