Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
