Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
