Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
