How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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