I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
