we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
