At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
