JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
