Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
