she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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