When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
