i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
