mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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