The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
