There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
