You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
