So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
