Please, let me fuck your mom
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
