I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just blew my weed a kiss
There's a naked man in my car right now.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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