I cockslap morals
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
