Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
