I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
