Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
