I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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